Just Me

It's been a long while, I know. A lot's happened since I last blogged:

I got a job in a bar.
I got a job in an office.
I tried a variation of the Atkins diet.
I tried to kill myself. Again.

I quit the office job and started full-time group therapy
I stopped thinking about food and trying to lose weight.
No, that last one is a lie. I didn't stop. It just became less of a priority. I had bigger things going on. I still do.

But I have thought of this place often and you guys, of course. I wonder quite regularly how you're all getting on. I miss the camaraderie of ana-blogging and the sense of purpose it gave me. There is also a part of me that is ashamed that I helped people destroy themselves and asked them to help destroy me. But did I? It's all a grey area. That's something I hear a lot in therapy.

Therapy is interesting and difficult and horrible and fun. I hate it and love it. I've learnt a lot about myself and my coping mechanisms and it's only been three weeks. There's another Anorexic person in there and it's like looking in a mirror and it's scary. She's determined, stubborn, exhausted, empty but above all, she's fragile. Was I really like that? When I think how I used to be with food, it's hard to believe but at the same time, remnants of that existence still remain. I still count the amount of times I chew my food, still monitor how many calories I'm consuming, still berate myself for not exercising enough...

I'm not sure where I stand with all of this right now. So no thinspo, no quotes, no advice or tips or tricks. Not right now, at least. Just me. Hi, nice to meet you. How have you been?

x

The Next 5 Days

I thought I'd post and let you guys know that I'm not going to be around for the next 5 days or so. I'm going down to Cheltenham to visit my uni friends. I'm excited :)

Nothing much has been happening here, really. I've been job hunting and writing. I have a new writing project going on Twitter (which I am addicted to) involving 140 character, no more than 50 syllable poems. @Aine3333 if anyone wants to add me and follow the fun!

I've also been volunteering for a poetry festival in Loughborough (a nearby town) so if any of you guys are in that area and interested in popping along, it's this weekend at the Charnwood Museum. I'll be the chubby girl in the t-shirt.

I've joined a choir, which is good because it means I can get back in shape so I'm really excited about that.

I get to go and see my psychiatrist today. I am not looking forward to this. Wish me luck, my beauties.

Thinpso

Jessica White. Enjoy :)

Quote

"I still get laughed at, but it doesn't bother me. I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me." - Do You Swear To Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth, So Help Your Black Ass by Amanda Palmer

Playlist

1) Pon De Floor by Major Lazer

2) In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction by Idlewild

3) Your Love Gets Sweeter - Finley Quay

4) Millipede Stomps by The Momeraths

5) You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

I promise to try and keep up with your blogs while I'm away.

Love, love!
Analise

And We Could Be So Beautiful

I realise I haven't blogged for longer than I usually do and I apologise for this. Everyone I know ever has had a birthday in the past week (this is only a slight exaggeration); I've been ill; I've been busy with major boy-related drama and job interviews and and and and...you get the idea. I apologise.

Thank you to everybody for the amazing well-wishes and helpful hints. You are all beautiful and amazing and you mean the world to me. I've started taking Vitamin C so here's hoping it helps.

So this is my new attitude to life: As of today, I have missed out on not one, but two, absolutely amazing guys because I am mentally unstable. I am not just annoyed at myself. I am furious. If anything, I am more determined than ever to get better, to get thin, make something of myself and be happy. Fuck the world. Fuck my family. Fuck anyone that says I can't do this. I will win.

My new diet is this:

Breakfast: nothing

Lunch: Salad (80cals)

Dinner: Soup (less than 220cals)

Nothing but that until I am 105lbs. I have finally been put on a waiting list for treatment, I need to wait four months. Hopefully, my interviews have gone well and somebody will offer me a job sometime soon. Fingers crossed :)

New Rules

1) Only weighing in and measuring once a week

2) Weekends are 800cal days, weekdays are 300cals

3) Start saying "no" - MUST get better at this.

4) Nothing but lemon water, iced water and pro-biotic yoghurt.

5) Take vitamins every day.

6) Make a To Do list for every day and complete it.

7) Rewards can only be given if the target weight or below is kept for a minimum of one week

8) Rewards will be funded by using the money saved from otherwise buying food. e.g. if I choose a can of soup over macaroni cheese, I put the difference in my savings pot.

Today's thinspo

A little off topic but this is what I did while I was away and I wanted to show you guys.

And also tagged on some inspiration abs too. Enjoy :)

Today's Quote

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Peri recently had this on her blog and it's always been a quote I've loved and it seemed appropriate.

Today's Playlist

1) Cell Block Tango - Chicago Soundtrack

2) Backstabber - The Dresden Dolls

3) You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

4) Let's Dance To Joy Division - The Wombats (This song is AWESOME - Listen to it!)

5) Shut Me Up - Mindless Self Indulgence

Here's to new leaves, my lovelies!

Love, love, love

Analise!

If I Wanted To Be Popular, I'd Blog on Myspace

This entry is going to be slightly more serious than my last ones. Sorry, guys. I do try to cater to your reading demands but just occasionally, I need to share my thoughts too.

I didn't reach my goal of 11lbs in one week. The reason? My hair has started falling out. My heart is seriously struggling to pump blood around my body. I get kept awake at night by its irregular pounding and the pains. I am cold all of the time. I am exhausted all of the time. In July, I could do 120 hour fasts without batting an eyelid. Last week, I got to 80 hours and I couldn't walk up the stairs without needing a rest.

So I ate.

Of course, these are the risks we take. Our diet is what is termed as "extreme" or "starvation" - to us, it's just...well, it's just how we roll. But in my opinion, at least, there is a line. The line between "extreme" diet and full blown eating disorder. A line that I am getting dangerously close to.

I cannot stop weighing or measuring myself. I'm lying about what I've eaten and when. I am becoming terrified of food. I am seriously considering buying laxatives so that I at least have some sort of back up plan when I over-eat. The most worrying thing of all, is that a large part of me is not concerned about these things.

I know I chose this. When I came out of hospital in June after my second overdose I knew that if I didn't do something I would be back in again in a month or the next time, they'd just be wheeling me straight to the morgue. I don't want to die. I like living. I might be miserable and out of control and just plain messed up but at least I'm alive to have the hope that things could get better. That's what this is for me. It's hope. This gives me stability, control and the hope that if things aren't better when I'm thin, at least they'll be easier.

I knew the risks when I chose it. I knew that I could die, but in my mind, it was a choice between dying sooner or later. I knew that eventually, this would happen. Eventually, this was going to stop being fun (it still is in a lot of ways [and by that I mean you guys], but not in a lot of others). I knew I probably wouldn't be able to stop. That I'd just be fighting a different enemy. I accepted that and passed up the right to cake. But truth be told, I thought I'd have more time than this.

That said, my collarbones are trying to peek through and I can see ends of my femur where it joins up with my knee. I'm not giving up now.

Slightly Happier Things

No fasts this week. I am going to live off salad and 5 cal jelly for the next week (usual 300 cals a day type of thing, not including the milk and pro-biotic yoghurt I have to take with my meds) and we'll see how I feel next Monday.

One thing I've noticed about us is that we don't give ourselves a lot of credit for our achievements so, I've decided to write a list of rewards next to my goals. If you decide you want to do the same, post them at the bottom, I'd be interested to read them :)

Today's Thinspo

I think Halle Berry is gorgeous. Enjoy ^_^

Today's Quote

"Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Today's Playlist

1) Love Your Ways - Salmonella Dub (Love this. Thank you, Peri!)

2) All Is Love - Karen O and the kids

3) La Vie En Rose - Edith Piaf

4) Here We Go Again - Paramore

5) Out of Control - Rufio (btw, if you haven't seen Hook. DO IT)

I love you all, so much.

Analise.

Starved

I went into starvation mode at 81 hours and had to eat something before I started gaining like Batman gains on the Joker. I had two of the gingerbread cookies I made yesterday and half a glass of milk to wash down my meds. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I have septicaemia. Just in my big toe but I'm downing antibiotics so it doesn't spread. I can almost walk properly again :)

As you'll notice from the stats, I'm down 6lbs in total from when I started which puts me back on track nicely. The plan so I don't gain it all back is to restrict for the next two days and then fast over the weekend. I'm hoping to be 138 by Monday. That'll be 11lbs in a week. Which will make me over the moon. Let's hope I can manage it ^^

Thank you for all your comments on my last post. They made me smile! It's good to get to know you guys. It's nice that even if we come from all over the world, we can still stick together through this.

Today's Thinspo

Some girl (girl, your name makes me sound like I'm being rude!) asked me what the ideal height for her would be so I posted this chart that tells you the right weight for your height. Of course, where you choose to lose to is up to you. When I'm done, I will be just above underweight.

Today's Quote

"All truth is simple...is this not doubly a lie?" - Friedrich Nietzsche

Today's Playlist

1) Chim Chim Cher-Ee - Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke

2) The Point of It All - Amanda Palmer

3) Where Have You Been? - Reel Big Fish

4) Jump Around - House of Pain (RAH!)

5) The One - Foo Fighters

Love, Love, Love!

Analise.