I got a job in a bar.
I got a job in an office.
I tried a variation of the Atkins diet.
I tried to kill myself. Again.
I quit the office job and started full-time group therapy
I stopped thinking about food and trying to lose weight.
No, that last one is a lie. I didn't stop. It just became less of a priority. I had bigger things going on. I still do.
But I have thought of this place often and you guys, of course. I wonder quite regularly how you're all getting on. I miss the camaraderie of ana-blogging and the sense of purpose it gave me. There is also a part of me that is ashamed that I helped people destroy themselves and asked them to help destroy me. But did I? It's all a grey area. That's something I hear a lot in therapy.
Therapy is interesting and difficult and horrible and fun. I hate it and love it. I've learnt a lot about myself and my coping mechanisms and it's only been three weeks. There's another Anorexic person in there and it's like looking in a mirror and it's scary. She's determined, stubborn, exhausted, empty but above all, she's fragile. Was I really like that? When I think how I used to be with food, it's hard to believe but at the same time, remnants of that existence still remain. I still count the amount of times I chew my food, still monitor how many calories I'm consuming, still berate myself for not exercising enough...
I'm not sure where I stand with all of this right now. So no thinspo, no quotes, no advice or tips or tricks. Not right now, at least. Just me. Hi, nice to meet you. How have you been?
I stopped thinking about food and trying to lose weight.
No, that last one is a lie. I didn't stop. It just became less of a priority. I had bigger things going on. I still do.
But I have thought of this place often and you guys, of course. I wonder quite regularly how you're all getting on. I miss the camaraderie of ana-blogging and the sense of purpose it gave me. There is also a part of me that is ashamed that I helped people destroy themselves and asked them to help destroy me. But did I? It's all a grey area. That's something I hear a lot in therapy.
Therapy is interesting and difficult and horrible and fun. I hate it and love it. I've learnt a lot about myself and my coping mechanisms and it's only been three weeks. There's another Anorexic person in there and it's like looking in a mirror and it's scary. She's determined, stubborn, exhausted, empty but above all, she's fragile. Was I really like that? When I think how I used to be with food, it's hard to believe but at the same time, remnants of that existence still remain. I still count the amount of times I chew my food, still monitor how many calories I'm consuming, still berate myself for not exercising enough...
I'm not sure where I stand with all of this right now. So no thinspo, no quotes, no advice or tips or tricks. Not right now, at least. Just me. Hi, nice to meet you. How have you been?
x
