The Next 5 Days

I thought I'd post and let you guys know that I'm not going to be around for the next 5 days or so. I'm going down to Cheltenham to visit my uni friends. I'm excited :)

Nothing much has been happening here, really. I've been job hunting and writing. I have a new writing project going on Twitter (which I am addicted to) involving 140 character, no more than 50 syllable poems. @Aine3333 if anyone wants to add me and follow the fun!

I've also been volunteering for a poetry festival in Loughborough (a nearby town) so if any of you guys are in that area and interested in popping along, it's this weekend at the Charnwood Museum. I'll be the chubby girl in the t-shirt.

I've joined a choir, which is good because it means I can get back in shape so I'm really excited about that.

I get to go and see my psychiatrist today. I am not looking forward to this. Wish me luck, my beauties.

Thinpso

Jessica White. Enjoy :)

Quote

"I still get laughed at, but it doesn't bother me. I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me." - Do You Swear To Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth, So Help Your Black Ass by Amanda Palmer

Playlist

1) Pon De Floor by Major Lazer

2) In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction by Idlewild

3) Your Love Gets Sweeter - Finley Quay

4) Millipede Stomps by The Momeraths

5) You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

I promise to try and keep up with your blogs while I'm away.

Love, love!
Analise

And We Could Be So Beautiful

I realise I haven't blogged for longer than I usually do and I apologise for this. Everyone I know ever has had a birthday in the past week (this is only a slight exaggeration); I've been ill; I've been busy with major boy-related drama and job interviews and and and and...you get the idea. I apologise.

Thank you to everybody for the amazing well-wishes and helpful hints. You are all beautiful and amazing and you mean the world to me. I've started taking Vitamin C so here's hoping it helps.

So this is my new attitude to life: As of today, I have missed out on not one, but two, absolutely amazing guys because I am mentally unstable. I am not just annoyed at myself. I am furious. If anything, I am more determined than ever to get better, to get thin, make something of myself and be happy. Fuck the world. Fuck my family. Fuck anyone that says I can't do this. I will win.

My new diet is this:

Breakfast: nothing

Lunch: Salad (80cals)

Dinner: Soup (less than 220cals)

Nothing but that until I am 105lbs. I have finally been put on a waiting list for treatment, I need to wait four months. Hopefully, my interviews have gone well and somebody will offer me a job sometime soon. Fingers crossed :)

New Rules

1) Only weighing in and measuring once a week

2) Weekends are 800cal days, weekdays are 300cals

3) Start saying "no" - MUST get better at this.

4) Nothing but lemon water, iced water and pro-biotic yoghurt.

5) Take vitamins every day.

6) Make a To Do list for every day and complete it.

7) Rewards can only be given if the target weight or below is kept for a minimum of one week

8) Rewards will be funded by using the money saved from otherwise buying food. e.g. if I choose a can of soup over macaroni cheese, I put the difference in my savings pot.

Today's thinspo

A little off topic but this is what I did while I was away and I wanted to show you guys.

And also tagged on some inspiration abs too. Enjoy :)

Today's Quote

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Peri recently had this on her blog and it's always been a quote I've loved and it seemed appropriate.

Today's Playlist

1) Cell Block Tango - Chicago Soundtrack

2) Backstabber - The Dresden Dolls

3) You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

4) Let's Dance To Joy Division - The Wombats (This song is AWESOME - Listen to it!)

5) Shut Me Up - Mindless Self Indulgence

Here's to new leaves, my lovelies!

Love, love, love

Analise!

If I Wanted To Be Popular, I'd Blog on Myspace

This entry is going to be slightly more serious than my last ones. Sorry, guys. I do try to cater to your reading demands but just occasionally, I need to share my thoughts too.

I didn't reach my goal of 11lbs in one week. The reason? My hair has started falling out. My heart is seriously struggling to pump blood around my body. I get kept awake at night by its irregular pounding and the pains. I am cold all of the time. I am exhausted all of the time. In July, I could do 120 hour fasts without batting an eyelid. Last week, I got to 80 hours and I couldn't walk up the stairs without needing a rest.

So I ate.

Of course, these are the risks we take. Our diet is what is termed as "extreme" or "starvation" - to us, it's just...well, it's just how we roll. But in my opinion, at least, there is a line. The line between "extreme" diet and full blown eating disorder. A line that I am getting dangerously close to.

I cannot stop weighing or measuring myself. I'm lying about what I've eaten and when. I am becoming terrified of food. I am seriously considering buying laxatives so that I at least have some sort of back up plan when I over-eat. The most worrying thing of all, is that a large part of me is not concerned about these things.

I know I chose this. When I came out of hospital in June after my second overdose I knew that if I didn't do something I would be back in again in a month or the next time, they'd just be wheeling me straight to the morgue. I don't want to die. I like living. I might be miserable and out of control and just plain messed up but at least I'm alive to have the hope that things could get better. That's what this is for me. It's hope. This gives me stability, control and the hope that if things aren't better when I'm thin, at least they'll be easier.

I knew the risks when I chose it. I knew that I could die, but in my mind, it was a choice between dying sooner or later. I knew that eventually, this would happen. Eventually, this was going to stop being fun (it still is in a lot of ways [and by that I mean you guys], but not in a lot of others). I knew I probably wouldn't be able to stop. That I'd just be fighting a different enemy. I accepted that and passed up the right to cake. But truth be told, I thought I'd have more time than this.

That said, my collarbones are trying to peek through and I can see ends of my femur where it joins up with my knee. I'm not giving up now.

Slightly Happier Things

No fasts this week. I am going to live off salad and 5 cal jelly for the next week (usual 300 cals a day type of thing, not including the milk and pro-biotic yoghurt I have to take with my meds) and we'll see how I feel next Monday.

One thing I've noticed about us is that we don't give ourselves a lot of credit for our achievements so, I've decided to write a list of rewards next to my goals. If you decide you want to do the same, post them at the bottom, I'd be interested to read them :)

Today's Thinspo

I think Halle Berry is gorgeous. Enjoy ^_^

Today's Quote

"Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Today's Playlist

1) Love Your Ways - Salmonella Dub (Love this. Thank you, Peri!)

2) All Is Love - Karen O and the kids

3) La Vie En Rose - Edith Piaf

4) Here We Go Again - Paramore

5) Out of Control - Rufio (btw, if you haven't seen Hook. DO IT)

I love you all, so much.

Analise.

Starved

I went into starvation mode at 81 hours and had to eat something before I started gaining like Batman gains on the Joker. I had two of the gingerbread cookies I made yesterday and half a glass of milk to wash down my meds. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I have septicaemia. Just in my big toe but I'm downing antibiotics so it doesn't spread. I can almost walk properly again :)

As you'll notice from the stats, I'm down 6lbs in total from when I started which puts me back on track nicely. The plan so I don't gain it all back is to restrict for the next two days and then fast over the weekend. I'm hoping to be 138 by Monday. That'll be 11lbs in a week. Which will make me over the moon. Let's hope I can manage it ^^

Thank you for all your comments on my last post. They made me smile! It's good to get to know you guys. It's nice that even if we come from all over the world, we can still stick together through this.

Today's Thinspo

Some girl (girl, your name makes me sound like I'm being rude!) asked me what the ideal height for her would be so I posted this chart that tells you the right weight for your height. Of course, where you choose to lose to is up to you. When I'm done, I will be just above underweight.

Today's Quote

"All truth is simple...is this not doubly a lie?" - Friedrich Nietzsche

Today's Playlist

1) Chim Chim Cher-Ee - Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke

2) The Point of It All - Amanda Palmer

3) Where Have You Been? - Reel Big Fish

4) Jump Around - House of Pain (RAH!)

5) The One - Foo Fighters

Love, Love, Love!

Analise.

New Everything

I've made a few changes around here. For a start, my stats and goals and contact info are now at the side. I'll be updating my stats every day for the next week because I'm fasting and I want you guys to see the difference so check it out :)

I also have tangerine coloured hair right now. It looks amazing. It's only staying for a week though because after that, I'm dying it dark red. I have very dark hair so I always have to lighten my hair if I want to dye it.

Another new addition is that I now have contact lenses again! Yay! I've missed them so much.

I've also found a spreadsheet that allows you to calculate your weight loss week by week, by entering calories burnt and consumed. If anyone else wants it, get in touch and I'll e-mail it to you :)

I've been food free for nearly 39 hours and I feel fantastic! I've decided to fast for as long as possible, along with Mindy and KG. Anyone else who wants to jump in is welcome to!

I really do feel better now I'm not binging and I've stopped PMSing.

Today's Thinspo

Milla Jovovich is beautiful. Enjoy :)

Today's Quote

"I have seen the same, I know the shame in your defeat. But I will hold on hope and I won't let you choke, on the noose around your neck. And I'll find strength in pain and I will change my ways." - The Cave by Mumford and Sons.

Today's Playlist

1) Y Control - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2) Buddy Holly - Weezer

3) Skinny - Edith Backlund

4) Lucy At The Gym - Jill Sobule

5) Get In or Get Out - Hot Hot Heat

I always wonder about my readers so if you guys don't mind me stealing a few more seconds of your time I'd like to do some research. Just post your answers at the bottom :)

1) How are you today?

2) How did you come by my blog and what are your favourite and least favourite parts?

3) What do you do?

4) What country do you hail from?

5) What's your weight loss goal (if you have one) and what will you do to celebrate once you've hit it?

Love, love, love!

Analise.

xxx

Obvious Fatty is Obvious

I like uploading the image first and then typing around it. No idea why.

Skip ahead to...

I've been very bad lately. I've been eating. I've been drinking. I've been...screaming on the inside. I'm due on in a week. AND I AM SO SICK OF BEING FAT! I am sick of my grandparents and my dad lecturing all the time about what I should and shouldn't do. I just want to say: Look, if you wanted some sort of influence on how I turned out then maybe you should've been around more. But you weren't. Leave me alone. I'll do what I want with my life. Because it's MINE. You have no business here. Go away.

I'm sorry, guys. I'd been doing so well the past few days. Not with eating, but with being more productive and job-hunting and doing stuff around the house and today, I just feel awful. It's my own fault. I just feel so alone. Normally, I don't mind. I like being alone. I'm not a huge fan of interacting. I like people. I just don't like talking to them. But today, I feel so so alone. I want to scream and cry and yell at someone. I want a hug, from someone and I can't ask. I can never ask. I can never rely on anyone because relying on people is stupid. The only person you can count on is yourself.

Besides, I'm too much of a burden. I'm too...unreliable. I am so sick of that adjective being used to describe me. I want to be better. I want to be thinner. I want to be smarter. I want to stop being such a baby. Stop being such a weakling. JUST STOP IT.

...HERE.

My new diet plan for the week is this: Fast (if someone will fast with me) or live on cucumber and 5 calorie jelly until I run out of either. I have a large cucumber and 8 pots of jelly. Even if I binge, I can't do any damage. I can do this. I will do this. I will be at least 5lbs thinner by next week. I will be thinner by this time next week.

I'll post stats tomorrow so you can have before and after. I'd do it now but I can't get to the scales to weigh myself, just do measurements.

Today's Thinspo

I've been watching re-runs of AMNTM while I've been doing aerobics in the morning and I think Fo is beautiful. It makes me sad that she lost just because of her height. I also have short hair, am short and have a similar skin tone so I'm hoping to look like her in 3 months :)

Today's Quote

"Life is like the night sky. In the darkness, there are stars" - Anon.

Today's Playlist

1) Have to Drive - Amanda Palmer

2) Come Home Soon - Hannah Trigwell

3) The Good Life - Five Times August

4) Waves of Grain - Two Gallants

5) Glass Slipper - The Dresden Dolls

Does anyone know of any way I can get a gizmo for this thing so I can play you the songs instead of just list them? I am totally incompetent with HTML so if you do, e-mail me: lillibet91@gmail.com or comment below.

very simple instructions should do it but I may ask for diagrams.

Love you all,

Analise.

xxx

[Insert Witty Blog Title Here]

Hello!

First of all, I want to apologise for the hiatus. Especially after the "ahh, I'm suicidal!" post. Especially after you were all so lovely and concerned. Thank you for all your wonderful comments of support. I love you all. It was not terribly polite of me to run off. I went to stay with my grandma and my dad. I've only just got home. I'm slowly but surely getting through everyone's blogs. I have about 25 tabs open right now. I just wanted to let you all know I was still around.

I managed not to gain any weight while I was at my Grandma's which is a darn tooting miracle. My grandma is fat. Sad but true. She eats red meat and four meals a day, drinks a bottle of wine every day and drives everywhere. Staying with her sends me into a spiral of anxiety because she expects me to be the same too. It's the same at my dad's. I managed not to stray too far off track though. My measurements for today are:

Height: 5ft 3in (I am an inch shorter than I thought I was. Boo.)

Weight: 148lbs (-2lbs)

Hips: 38.98 (+0.59in)

Waist: 28.15 (-1.18in)

Left Thigh: 22.05 (-0.59in)

Right Thigh: 21.85 (0.0.39in)

I am still fat but my, it does feel good to have a 28in waist and 21in thighs again! 140lbs here I come!

Today's Thinspo

I want to share an amazing discovery I made with you guys. Today's thinspo picture is special. It is jelly. Jell-O to my American followers. It is completely fat free. It is also about 5.5 calories per pot. I cannot tell you how much this jelly is going to change my life. I've been living off it. It is delicious and I don't feel at all guilty when I eat it. MY LIFE = COMPLETE.

I tried to find a way for you guys who are in America/Australia to get hold of it, but I failed dismally. :( However, for those of you here in the U.K - it comes in 4 flavours and it's 59p per pot from Tesco.

Today's Quote

"I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.

Today's Five Song Playlist

1) Foofights - Everlong

2) The Donnas - Who Invited You?

3) Alanis Morissette - Ironic (it's such a stupid song, but it's catchy)

4) Tsunami Bomb - Irish Boys

5) Blue Foundation - Eyes on Fire (I'm aware this is from the Twilight soundtrack but we all have our crosses to bear).

Peri: I meant to add that I think you have stunning eyes and gorgeous legs! You're beautiful, girl.

I've decided that once I hit 140, I'll post a before and after picture. 8lbs to go!

I hope you're all doing well, lovelies.

Back to blogs now.

Love you all!

Analise.