I got a job in a bar.
I got a job in an office.
I tried a variation of the Atkins diet.
I tried to kill myself. Again.
I quit the office job and started full-time group therapy
I stopped thinking about food and trying to lose weight.
No, that last one is a lie. I didn't stop. It just became less of a priority. I had bigger things going on. I still do.
But I have thought of this place often and you guys, of course. I wonder quite regularly how you're all getting on. I miss the camaraderie of ana-blogging and the sense of purpose it gave me. There is also a part of me that is ashamed that I helped people destroy themselves and asked them to help destroy me. But did I? It's all a grey area. That's something I hear a lot in therapy.
Therapy is interesting and difficult and horrible and fun. I hate it and love it. I've learnt a lot about myself and my coping mechanisms and it's only been three weeks. There's another Anorexic person in there and it's like looking in a mirror and it's scary. She's determined, stubborn, exhausted, empty but above all, she's fragile. Was I really like that? When I think how I used to be with food, it's hard to believe but at the same time, remnants of that existence still remain. I still count the amount of times I chew my food, still monitor how many calories I'm consuming, still berate myself for not exercising enough...
I'm not sure where I stand with all of this right now. So no thinspo, no quotes, no advice or tips or tricks. Not right now, at least. Just me. Hi, nice to meet you. How have you been?
I stopped thinking about food and trying to lose weight.
No, that last one is a lie. I didn't stop. It just became less of a priority. I had bigger things going on. I still do.
But I have thought of this place often and you guys, of course. I wonder quite regularly how you're all getting on. I miss the camaraderie of ana-blogging and the sense of purpose it gave me. There is also a part of me that is ashamed that I helped people destroy themselves and asked them to help destroy me. But did I? It's all a grey area. That's something I hear a lot in therapy.
Therapy is interesting and difficult and horrible and fun. I hate it and love it. I've learnt a lot about myself and my coping mechanisms and it's only been three weeks. There's another Anorexic person in there and it's like looking in a mirror and it's scary. She's determined, stubborn, exhausted, empty but above all, she's fragile. Was I really like that? When I think how I used to be with food, it's hard to believe but at the same time, remnants of that existence still remain. I still count the amount of times I chew my food, still monitor how many calories I'm consuming, still berate myself for not exercising enough...
I'm not sure where I stand with all of this right now. So no thinspo, no quotes, no advice or tips or tricks. Not right now, at least. Just me. Hi, nice to meet you. How have you been?
x
good to hear from you hun. i've only just returned here recently myself and feel the same way as you. i'm glad you're positive about therapy. take care xx
ReplyDeleteJust you is enough.
ReplyDeletethinking of you
xxx
stay positive! :]
ReplyDeleteDamn it has been ages!
ReplyDeleteThe community has changed a lot. So many people are gone and new ones here. I have missed you and I'm glad to hear you got some help :D
Lol you fully encapsulated therapy in 4 words. I finally started getting some for depression last year and. . . well. . . being forced to like myself goes against the grain like you wouldn't believe. Ugh.
Just you=All we ever need <3
I . . . was one of your favourites? Really? 0.0 (Fuck Imma have to write that on the 'Positive Log, lol!) I don't understand, but I love you to bits.
Take care of yourself, I've missed you and don't want to lose you again too soon <3