Baby Steps

I am exhausted, my legs fucking kill. I've burnt off more than 400 cals, three days in a row. I feel so proud of myself. I just need to keep it up. I've discovered I can do the Free Step on the Wii Fit while I watch TV so literally all I've done for three days is do step aerobics and watch CSI on Living and Channel Five. For some reason, I either keep missing [insert country]'s Next Top Model or it's not on, which annoys me a bit because some thinspiration while I work out would be nice.

I also haven't been sleeping well because no matter how tired I am, as soon as I get into bed, I am wide awake and when I do eventually fall asleep (usually around 4am at the moment), I have nightmares or my cat wakes me up wanting to play. I am pretty damn tired.

So yesterday, something crazy happened. Well, for me, it's not that crazy but by everyone else's standards it was pretty weird. My grandma phoned and lectured me about being introverted for a bit and made me cry. Ever since she found out about my suicide attempts (3 in the last year), she always makes me cry every time I talk to her.

Despite the fact that I'd burnt off more than I'd eaten yesterday (consumed: 263 burnt: 426), I felt pretty crap by the time we got off the phone. More crying, thoughts about ending it all. Again. My dad phoned and was like "your grandma is old and therefore understands nothing" which made me feel a little better. I still felt pretty down though. Anyway, around midnight, I gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs to watch TV.

I binged. I consumed about 800 calories in one go. Cereal, 1 and half cheese sandwiches, tea and ice cream with chocolate sauce. The strangest thing was, I wasn't even hungry. My body was like "no, we're full, thank you" and my brain was all "CHEESE!" It felt like I wasn't in control of my body and it was horrible. I felt so pissed off and ashamed and most of all, full. Like I was going to burst.

I hadn't had cheese for four days >.> So I purged. I haven't purged since 2004 and I remembered why. At least the ice cream tasted pretty much the same coming up as it did going down but the bread was fucking awful. It's so much easier not to eat. I reckon I chucked up about 400 cals. I must've burnt off the rest today. I'm fasting today as penance for last night.

Anyway, here are my stats as of today:

Height: 5ft 4in

Weight: 154lbs (-1lb)

Hips: 39.76in (-0.40in)

Waist: 30.31in (-1.38in)

Left Thigh: 22.74in (-0.29in)

Right Thigh: 22.34in (-0.70in)

1lb gone. Slow progress but I'll get there. I know I will. The fact I've lost more inches off everything makes me really proud. It means that my hard-work is beginning to pay off. I always lose more inches off my right thigh than my left so I'm thinking that I'm leading with my right leg too much. I'll lead with my left in step aerobics tomorrow to make up for it.

Today's thinspo pic is brought to you by Google. Check out those thighs, my beauties!

Quote of today:

"Of course it's hard. If it was easy everybody would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." - taken from (http://ana-beauty.webs.com/quotes.htm)

I thought I'd choose that one because everyone seems to be having a bit of a hard time of it lately. Remember - the fact we can do it makes us special. We're stronger than everyone else. Think of someone heavier than you. Think of how much they weigh. Every pound heavier than you they are is a reason why they are weaker than you and every pound you lose will make a little bit stronger.

I'm going to go and take a long relaxing bath as a reward for my workouts and to keep me out of the kitchen :)

Love to you all,

Analise.

UPDATE

I'm going to my ex-boyfriend's for a couple of days and I can't blog from there, so I'll post another blog when I get back. Hopefully, I can keep up the weight loss and exercise.

Last Week Sucked

Well, I've been reading other pro-ana blogs since my last post to get more of an idea of what I should be posting here etc. A lot of them are really impressive. A-rexi-saurus really made me laugh and and The Diary of AfricAnaMia has loads of really great tips and thinspiration music so go have a look. I've posted the links in the Pro-Ana list at the bottom of the page :)

Okay, so last week to now just sucked. I ate too many calories (Dominos - you will be the death of me >.>) and didn't exercise enough. Result? No weight loss. No weight gain either, which I suppose is something but still.

I've decided that the problem is partially my ex-boyfriend's house. Whenever I go there, his mom makes me food and when I say "no thank you, I'm not hungry" she makes it anyway and so I'm left with this plate of food that I don't really want to eat but she's looking at me, expecting me to eat it. I've decided to avoid his house like the plague for the next week or so. Ideas on how to get around this, people?

So without further ado, here are my stats, as of today:

HW: 164lbs

CW: 155lbs

LW: 135lbs

GW1: 140lbs

GW2: 125lbs

GW3: 110lbs

Hips: 40.16in (-0.39in)

Waist: 31.69in (-5.33in)

Right thigh: 23.03in (0.79in)

Left thigh: 23.03in (-0.99in)

Losing inches from my waist makes me jump-up-and-down happy! I miss my 28in waist.

My period is due any day now so I feel a bit bloaty, which probably contributes to the lack of weight loss but I'm determined to soldier on. I did really well today. No food for 25.5 hours now and I don't feel hungry. I burnt off 420 calories today. Let's hope I can do the same tomorrow.

I've found a great alternative to caffeine which means I'm off tea and coffee entirely now. I don't like to drink either that much because caffeine reduces circulation, which can make your skin lumpy and I don't need to have hideous skin as well as be fat. So yeah, I've started sucking on barley sugar candy when I need a pick-me-up. It's really good for exhaustion and it's only 21 calories, less than sweet tea and coffee.

The only catch is that I can't have them when I'm fasting, which is when I need them most, but on the other hand, I only drink water when I fast so that rules out tea and coffee anyway.

Anyway, I'll update my stats on Wednesday, I think, when I've finished this fast. I'm hoping to get below 150lbs by the end of the week but with my period due, I'm not that optimistic.

Enjoy today's thinspo pic. Love Keira Knightley but I think I'll find a better shot of her collarbones next time - they're beautiful :)

Today's thinspiration quote: "'Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself.'

That gets at a lot of our issues. I love French fries, and I also know if I ate French fries every day it would not be a good thing. One of our problems is that foods that are labor or money intensive have gotten very cheap and easy to procure. French fries are a great example. They are a tremendous pain to make. Wash the potatoes, fry potatoes, get rid of the oil, clean up the mess. If you made them yourself you’d have them about once a month, and that’s probably about right. The fact that labor has been removed from special occasion food has made us treat it as everyday food. One way to curb that and still enjoy those foods is to make them. Try to make your own Twinkie. I don’t even know if you can. I imagine it would be pretty difficult. How do you get the cream in there? - Michael Pollan"

Taken from Vodka Has No Carb's blog (thank you!), who got it from (http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/08/michael-pollan-offers-64-ways-to-eat-food/?hpw)

Side note: I'm glad they don't make Twinkies in the U.K. - I'd spend 90% of my life trying not to eat them!

Also, I think I might be cracking a bit. I was just eating the ice cubes from my iced water and one of them tasted like ice cream, the next one tasted like coffee O.o

Catch you on Wednesday!

Love, love, love.

Analise