Baby Steps

I am exhausted, my legs fucking kill. I've burnt off more than 400 cals, three days in a row. I feel so proud of myself. I just need to keep it up. I've discovered I can do the Free Step on the Wii Fit while I watch TV so literally all I've done for three days is do step aerobics and watch CSI on Living and Channel Five. For some reason, I either keep missing [insert country]'s Next Top Model or it's not on, which annoys me a bit because some thinspiration while I work out would be nice.

I also haven't been sleeping well because no matter how tired I am, as soon as I get into bed, I am wide awake and when I do eventually fall asleep (usually around 4am at the moment), I have nightmares or my cat wakes me up wanting to play. I am pretty damn tired.

So yesterday, something crazy happened. Well, for me, it's not that crazy but by everyone else's standards it was pretty weird. My grandma phoned and lectured me about being introverted for a bit and made me cry. Ever since she found out about my suicide attempts (3 in the last year), she always makes me cry every time I talk to her.

Despite the fact that I'd burnt off more than I'd eaten yesterday (consumed: 263 burnt: 426), I felt pretty crap by the time we got off the phone. More crying, thoughts about ending it all. Again. My dad phoned and was like "your grandma is old and therefore understands nothing" which made me feel a little better. I still felt pretty down though. Anyway, around midnight, I gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs to watch TV.

I binged. I consumed about 800 calories in one go. Cereal, 1 and half cheese sandwiches, tea and ice cream with chocolate sauce. The strangest thing was, I wasn't even hungry. My body was like "no, we're full, thank you" and my brain was all "CHEESE!" It felt like I wasn't in control of my body and it was horrible. I felt so pissed off and ashamed and most of all, full. Like I was going to burst.

I hadn't had cheese for four days >.> So I purged. I haven't purged since 2004 and I remembered why. At least the ice cream tasted pretty much the same coming up as it did going down but the bread was fucking awful. It's so much easier not to eat. I reckon I chucked up about 400 cals. I must've burnt off the rest today. I'm fasting today as penance for last night.

Anyway, here are my stats as of today:

Height: 5ft 4in

Weight: 154lbs (-1lb)

Hips: 39.76in (-0.40in)

Waist: 30.31in (-1.38in)

Left Thigh: 22.74in (-0.29in)

Right Thigh: 22.34in (-0.70in)

1lb gone. Slow progress but I'll get there. I know I will. The fact I've lost more inches off everything makes me really proud. It means that my hard-work is beginning to pay off. I always lose more inches off my right thigh than my left so I'm thinking that I'm leading with my right leg too much. I'll lead with my left in step aerobics tomorrow to make up for it.

Today's thinspo pic is brought to you by Google. Check out those thighs, my beauties!

Quote of today:

"Of course it's hard. If it was easy everybody would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." - taken from (http://ana-beauty.webs.com/quotes.htm)

I thought I'd choose that one because everyone seems to be having a bit of a hard time of it lately. Remember - the fact we can do it makes us special. We're stronger than everyone else. Think of someone heavier than you. Think of how much they weigh. Every pound heavier than you they are is a reason why they are weaker than you and every pound you lose will make a little bit stronger.

I'm going to go and take a long relaxing bath as a reward for my workouts and to keep me out of the kitchen :)

Love to you all,

Analise.

UPDATE

I'm going to my ex-boyfriend's for a couple of days and I can't blog from there, so I'll post another blog when I get back. Hopefully, I can keep up the weight loss and exercise.