The Next 5 Days

I thought I'd post and let you guys know that I'm not going to be around for the next 5 days or so. I'm going down to Cheltenham to visit my uni friends. I'm excited :)

Nothing much has been happening here, really. I've been job hunting and writing. I have a new writing project going on Twitter (which I am addicted to) involving 140 character, no more than 50 syllable poems. @Aine3333 if anyone wants to add me and follow the fun!

I've also been volunteering for a poetry festival in Loughborough (a nearby town) so if any of you guys are in that area and interested in popping along, it's this weekend at the Charnwood Museum. I'll be the chubby girl in the t-shirt.

I've joined a choir, which is good because it means I can get back in shape so I'm really excited about that.

I get to go and see my psychiatrist today. I am not looking forward to this. Wish me luck, my beauties.

Thinpso

Jessica White. Enjoy :)

Quote

"I still get laughed at, but it doesn't bother me. I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me." - Do You Swear To Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth, So Help Your Black Ass by Amanda Palmer

Playlist

1) Pon De Floor by Major Lazer

2) In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction by Idlewild

3) Your Love Gets Sweeter - Finley Quay

4) Millipede Stomps by The Momeraths

5) You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

I promise to try and keep up with your blogs while I'm away.

Love, love!
Analise

And We Could Be So Beautiful

I realise I haven't blogged for longer than I usually do and I apologise for this. Everyone I know ever has had a birthday in the past week (this is only a slight exaggeration); I've been ill; I've been busy with major boy-related drama and job interviews and and and and...you get the idea. I apologise.

Thank you to everybody for the amazing well-wishes and helpful hints. You are all beautiful and amazing and you mean the world to me. I've started taking Vitamin C so here's hoping it helps.

So this is my new attitude to life: As of today, I have missed out on not one, but two, absolutely amazing guys because I am mentally unstable. I am not just annoyed at myself. I am furious. If anything, I am more determined than ever to get better, to get thin, make something of myself and be happy. Fuck the world. Fuck my family. Fuck anyone that says I can't do this. I will win.

My new diet is this:

Breakfast: nothing

Lunch: Salad (80cals)

Dinner: Soup (less than 220cals)

Nothing but that until I am 105lbs. I have finally been put on a waiting list for treatment, I need to wait four months. Hopefully, my interviews have gone well and somebody will offer me a job sometime soon. Fingers crossed :)

New Rules

1) Only weighing in and measuring once a week

2) Weekends are 800cal days, weekdays are 300cals

3) Start saying "no" - MUST get better at this.

4) Nothing but lemon water, iced water and pro-biotic yoghurt.

5) Take vitamins every day.

6) Make a To Do list for every day and complete it.

7) Rewards can only be given if the target weight or below is kept for a minimum of one week

8) Rewards will be funded by using the money saved from otherwise buying food. e.g. if I choose a can of soup over macaroni cheese, I put the difference in my savings pot.

Today's thinspo

A little off topic but this is what I did while I was away and I wanted to show you guys.

And also tagged on some inspiration abs too. Enjoy :)

Today's Quote

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Peri recently had this on her blog and it's always been a quote I've loved and it seemed appropriate.

Today's Playlist

1) Cell Block Tango - Chicago Soundtrack

2) Backstabber - The Dresden Dolls

3) You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

4) Let's Dance To Joy Division - The Wombats (This song is AWESOME - Listen to it!)

5) Shut Me Up - Mindless Self Indulgence

Here's to new leaves, my lovelies!

Love, love, love

Analise!

If I Wanted To Be Popular, I'd Blog on Myspace

This entry is going to be slightly more serious than my last ones. Sorry, guys. I do try to cater to your reading demands but just occasionally, I need to share my thoughts too.

I didn't reach my goal of 11lbs in one week. The reason? My hair has started falling out. My heart is seriously struggling to pump blood around my body. I get kept awake at night by its irregular pounding and the pains. I am cold all of the time. I am exhausted all of the time. In July, I could do 120 hour fasts without batting an eyelid. Last week, I got to 80 hours and I couldn't walk up the stairs without needing a rest.

So I ate.

Of course, these are the risks we take. Our diet is what is termed as "extreme" or "starvation" - to us, it's just...well, it's just how we roll. But in my opinion, at least, there is a line. The line between "extreme" diet and full blown eating disorder. A line that I am getting dangerously close to.

I cannot stop weighing or measuring myself. I'm lying about what I've eaten and when. I am becoming terrified of food. I am seriously considering buying laxatives so that I at least have some sort of back up plan when I over-eat. The most worrying thing of all, is that a large part of me is not concerned about these things.

I know I chose this. When I came out of hospital in June after my second overdose I knew that if I didn't do something I would be back in again in a month or the next time, they'd just be wheeling me straight to the morgue. I don't want to die. I like living. I might be miserable and out of control and just plain messed up but at least I'm alive to have the hope that things could get better. That's what this is for me. It's hope. This gives me stability, control and the hope that if things aren't better when I'm thin, at least they'll be easier.

I knew the risks when I chose it. I knew that I could die, but in my mind, it was a choice between dying sooner or later. I knew that eventually, this would happen. Eventually, this was going to stop being fun (it still is in a lot of ways [and by that I mean you guys], but not in a lot of others). I knew I probably wouldn't be able to stop. That I'd just be fighting a different enemy. I accepted that and passed up the right to cake. But truth be told, I thought I'd have more time than this.

That said, my collarbones are trying to peek through and I can see ends of my femur where it joins up with my knee. I'm not giving up now.

Slightly Happier Things

No fasts this week. I am going to live off salad and 5 cal jelly for the next week (usual 300 cals a day type of thing, not including the milk and pro-biotic yoghurt I have to take with my meds) and we'll see how I feel next Monday.

One thing I've noticed about us is that we don't give ourselves a lot of credit for our achievements so, I've decided to write a list of rewards next to my goals. If you decide you want to do the same, post them at the bottom, I'd be interested to read them :)

Today's Thinspo

I think Halle Berry is gorgeous. Enjoy ^_^

Today's Quote

"Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Today's Playlist

1) Love Your Ways - Salmonella Dub (Love this. Thank you, Peri!)

2) All Is Love - Karen O and the kids

3) La Vie En Rose - Edith Piaf

4) Here We Go Again - Paramore

5) Out of Control - Rufio (btw, if you haven't seen Hook. DO IT)

I love you all, so much.

Analise.

Starved

I went into starvation mode at 81 hours and had to eat something before I started gaining like Batman gains on the Joker. I had two of the gingerbread cookies I made yesterday and half a glass of milk to wash down my meds. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I have septicaemia. Just in my big toe but I'm downing antibiotics so it doesn't spread. I can almost walk properly again :)

As you'll notice from the stats, I'm down 6lbs in total from when I started which puts me back on track nicely. The plan so I don't gain it all back is to restrict for the next two days and then fast over the weekend. I'm hoping to be 138 by Monday. That'll be 11lbs in a week. Which will make me over the moon. Let's hope I can manage it ^^

Thank you for all your comments on my last post. They made me smile! It's good to get to know you guys. It's nice that even if we come from all over the world, we can still stick together through this.

Today's Thinspo

Some girl (girl, your name makes me sound like I'm being rude!) asked me what the ideal height for her would be so I posted this chart that tells you the right weight for your height. Of course, where you choose to lose to is up to you. When I'm done, I will be just above underweight.

Today's Quote

"All truth is simple...is this not doubly a lie?" - Friedrich Nietzsche

Today's Playlist

1) Chim Chim Cher-Ee - Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke

2) The Point of It All - Amanda Palmer

3) Where Have You Been? - Reel Big Fish

4) Jump Around - House of Pain (RAH!)

5) The One - Foo Fighters

Love, Love, Love!

Analise.

New Everything

I've made a few changes around here. For a start, my stats and goals and contact info are now at the side. I'll be updating my stats every day for the next week because I'm fasting and I want you guys to see the difference so check it out :)

I also have tangerine coloured hair right now. It looks amazing. It's only staying for a week though because after that, I'm dying it dark red. I have very dark hair so I always have to lighten my hair if I want to dye it.

Another new addition is that I now have contact lenses again! Yay! I've missed them so much.

I've also found a spreadsheet that allows you to calculate your weight loss week by week, by entering calories burnt and consumed. If anyone else wants it, get in touch and I'll e-mail it to you :)

I've been food free for nearly 39 hours and I feel fantastic! I've decided to fast for as long as possible, along with Mindy and KG. Anyone else who wants to jump in is welcome to!

I really do feel better now I'm not binging and I've stopped PMSing.

Today's Thinspo

Milla Jovovich is beautiful. Enjoy :)

Today's Quote

"I have seen the same, I know the shame in your defeat. But I will hold on hope and I won't let you choke, on the noose around your neck. And I'll find strength in pain and I will change my ways." - The Cave by Mumford and Sons.

Today's Playlist

1) Y Control - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2) Buddy Holly - Weezer

3) Skinny - Edith Backlund

4) Lucy At The Gym - Jill Sobule

5) Get In or Get Out - Hot Hot Heat

I always wonder about my readers so if you guys don't mind me stealing a few more seconds of your time I'd like to do some research. Just post your answers at the bottom :)

1) How are you today?

2) How did you come by my blog and what are your favourite and least favourite parts?

3) What do you do?

4) What country do you hail from?

5) What's your weight loss goal (if you have one) and what will you do to celebrate once you've hit it?

Love, love, love!

Analise.

xxx

Obvious Fatty is Obvious

I like uploading the image first and then typing around it. No idea why.

Skip ahead to...

I've been very bad lately. I've been eating. I've been drinking. I've been...screaming on the inside. I'm due on in a week. AND I AM SO SICK OF BEING FAT! I am sick of my grandparents and my dad lecturing all the time about what I should and shouldn't do. I just want to say: Look, if you wanted some sort of influence on how I turned out then maybe you should've been around more. But you weren't. Leave me alone. I'll do what I want with my life. Because it's MINE. You have no business here. Go away.

I'm sorry, guys. I'd been doing so well the past few days. Not with eating, but with being more productive and job-hunting and doing stuff around the house and today, I just feel awful. It's my own fault. I just feel so alone. Normally, I don't mind. I like being alone. I'm not a huge fan of interacting. I like people. I just don't like talking to them. But today, I feel so so alone. I want to scream and cry and yell at someone. I want a hug, from someone and I can't ask. I can never ask. I can never rely on anyone because relying on people is stupid. The only person you can count on is yourself.

Besides, I'm too much of a burden. I'm too...unreliable. I am so sick of that adjective being used to describe me. I want to be better. I want to be thinner. I want to be smarter. I want to stop being such a baby. Stop being such a weakling. JUST STOP IT.

...HERE.

My new diet plan for the week is this: Fast (if someone will fast with me) or live on cucumber and 5 calorie jelly until I run out of either. I have a large cucumber and 8 pots of jelly. Even if I binge, I can't do any damage. I can do this. I will do this. I will be at least 5lbs thinner by next week. I will be thinner by this time next week.

I'll post stats tomorrow so you can have before and after. I'd do it now but I can't get to the scales to weigh myself, just do measurements.

Today's Thinspo

I've been watching re-runs of AMNTM while I've been doing aerobics in the morning and I think Fo is beautiful. It makes me sad that she lost just because of her height. I also have short hair, am short and have a similar skin tone so I'm hoping to look like her in 3 months :)

Today's Quote

"Life is like the night sky. In the darkness, there are stars" - Anon.

Today's Playlist

1) Have to Drive - Amanda Palmer

2) Come Home Soon - Hannah Trigwell

3) The Good Life - Five Times August

4) Waves of Grain - Two Gallants

5) Glass Slipper - The Dresden Dolls

Does anyone know of any way I can get a gizmo for this thing so I can play you the songs instead of just list them? I am totally incompetent with HTML so if you do, e-mail me: lillibet91@gmail.com or comment below.

very simple instructions should do it but I may ask for diagrams.

Love you all,

Analise.

xxx

[Insert Witty Blog Title Here]

Hello!

First of all, I want to apologise for the hiatus. Especially after the "ahh, I'm suicidal!" post. Especially after you were all so lovely and concerned. Thank you for all your wonderful comments of support. I love you all. It was not terribly polite of me to run off. I went to stay with my grandma and my dad. I've only just got home. I'm slowly but surely getting through everyone's blogs. I have about 25 tabs open right now. I just wanted to let you all know I was still around.

I managed not to gain any weight while I was at my Grandma's which is a darn tooting miracle. My grandma is fat. Sad but true. She eats red meat and four meals a day, drinks a bottle of wine every day and drives everywhere. Staying with her sends me into a spiral of anxiety because she expects me to be the same too. It's the same at my dad's. I managed not to stray too far off track though. My measurements for today are:

Height: 5ft 3in (I am an inch shorter than I thought I was. Boo.)

Weight: 148lbs (-2lbs)

Hips: 38.98 (+0.59in)

Waist: 28.15 (-1.18in)

Left Thigh: 22.05 (-0.59in)

Right Thigh: 21.85 (0.0.39in)

I am still fat but my, it does feel good to have a 28in waist and 21in thighs again! 140lbs here I come!

Today's Thinspo

I want to share an amazing discovery I made with you guys. Today's thinspo picture is special. It is jelly. Jell-O to my American followers. It is completely fat free. It is also about 5.5 calories per pot. I cannot tell you how much this jelly is going to change my life. I've been living off it. It is delicious and I don't feel at all guilty when I eat it. MY LIFE = COMPLETE.

I tried to find a way for you guys who are in America/Australia to get hold of it, but I failed dismally. :( However, for those of you here in the U.K - it comes in 4 flavours and it's 59p per pot from Tesco.

Today's Quote

"I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.

Today's Five Song Playlist

1) Foofights - Everlong

2) The Donnas - Who Invited You?

3) Alanis Morissette - Ironic (it's such a stupid song, but it's catchy)

4) Tsunami Bomb - Irish Boys

5) Blue Foundation - Eyes on Fire (I'm aware this is from the Twilight soundtrack but we all have our crosses to bear).

Peri: I meant to add that I think you have stunning eyes and gorgeous legs! You're beautiful, girl.

I've decided that once I hit 140, I'll post a before and after picture. 8lbs to go!

I hope you're all doing well, lovelies.

Back to blogs now.

Love you all!

Analise.

Suicide Attempt #4

I spent 12 hours in hospital yesterday because I overdosed. Again. Even I'm getting sick of me doing this. I don't even want to die, I just can't stop myself. The minute I'm within a foot of a bunch of pills, I just want to pop them. I feel exhausted. I've pulled all my stomach muscles from throwing up, I can't stop shaking, my heart won't stop pounding. By the time I got home, I'd gone 40 hours without food. Fasting was incredibly easy because I just felt too sick to eat. I had to see the on-call psychiatrist who wasn't even that helpful. I'm very tired.

The strange thing is that I feel empty. Physically empty, even when I eat. Not hungry. Just...empty. It's bizarre.

This week has been fairly awful, to be honest. My Wii Fit is non-operational so I've resorted to walking up and down the stairs or going for long walks by the canal for exercise. Because of that, I only have my crappy inaccurate scales to weigh myself so I have NO idea how much I weigh which is bugging the hell out of me.

Between psychiatrists, hospital and non-functional exercise equipment, I'm feeling pretty down.

I hope you're all doing much better than I am, dears.

Today's Thinspo

I love this one. I hope you do too :)

Today's Quote

It's a little bit different today. Have a poem. One of mine:

Peach Pie Thighs

I am afraid of my own body

and my subconscious doesn’t like me.

She writes poetry better than anything

I’ve ever heard and

taunts me with it,

with stages,

with audiences with ticker-tape eyes.

When I wake I only save a sliver,

a word or a line,

that I hate because

they never feel like mine

The truth is:

I want to write poetry

with adjectives that don’t fit.

I want to stop feeling like shit,

just for a minute,

stop coming up with mediocre rhymes

and have the time

to live my life

rather than just survive

and write mediocre dream-poetry

about it.

Today's 5 Song Playlist

1) 19-2000 by Gorillaz

2) Plastic Man by Seether

3) You're Lovely To Me by Lucky Jim

4) Accidentally In Love by Counting Crows

5) The Grapes Song by Demetri Martin

Love

Love

Love.

You Have To Want It: More Than Anything

Let me start off by saying to my dear readers (that's you): I love you!

I cannot believe I have so many of you already. I'll try and make it worth your while. You guys are my inspiration, my commiseration committee, my favourite people.

I will not beat around the bush. Today sucked. I had an assessment with a psychiatrist this morning who said I was displaying symptoms of two separate disorders (one anxiety, one personality) but because the condition I actually have isn't listed in the DSM-IV yet, didn't diagnose me with ANYTHING. FAIL. The meeting was pretty much like this "Oh hai. Error 404: Diagnosis not found. Redirecting you to a similar page. Wud you likes some drugz?" Long story short, I have an incurable condition that might not haunt me emotionally forever but will sure as hell impair my physical quality of life, because I'm probably going to be on migraine medication for the rest of it. Hurrah.

On to slightly cheerier things: I've had a request for some tips and tricks and I'm very flattered Thank you to all of you for your congratulations. Your encouragement means the world to me. Enough gushing. Some of these you'll probably know, others you might not but I'll throw everything in there, regardless:

Tips and Tricks

1) Do not eat after 7pm. Your body is more likely to store calories eaten after this time as fat.

2) Drink as much hot lemon water as you like. I suggest two per day, minimum. One teaspoon of lemon juice in hot water is one calorie. It boosts your metabolism which is especially good if you're fasting.

3) A long brisk walk is better for you than a run. The reason for this is because you have two main sources of energy: glycogen and fat. Sudden bursts of energy (e.g. running) encourage your body to use up all your glycogen. This will reduce your fat a little, but not much. Longer, more consistent energy use, however, encourages your body to use your fat storage instead. Thus, a walk burns more fat, if not calories, than a run. I usually do step aerobics while I watch the TV though, which has the same effect :)

4) Munch on ice cubes if you feel hungry. It keeps your mouth busy and you get extra water!

5) I use this as a last resort, if I need to. If you feel like you're going to eat when you don't want to/can't, weigh or measure yourself. Think about how well you're doing and how eating will spoil it.

6) We live in a world with Twinkies and chocolate and muffins and crisps and fries and cookies and that's something that we're going to have to accept. My great-grandma used to say that "a little of what you fancy does you good." No one can live off vegetables all the time. Especially not if they've tasted Twinkies first. Let yourself indulge once in a while. Just do it in moderation. Fit a treat into your calorie allowance. You deserve it!

7) Do math. This is my solution for nearly every problem in my life, believe it or not ^^;

It helps me sleep and it helps me keep my mind off food. For example, there are 3500 calories in 1lb. Let's say your basic metabolic rate is 1450 and you're an average person that consumes 2000 calories a day. That means that 550 calories are stored as fat. Let's say you burn off 200 a day, leaving 350 stored as fat. Conclusion: every 10 days you gain 1lb. That's 36lbs a year. Obesity mystery = solved.

8) Don't berate yourself too much if you screw up. Positive thinking is more effective than negative thinking. Corny, but true :)

9) Eat from smaller bowls and plates. I have a very small in the shape of a frog and small rainbow plate, with matching cup. Portion control can be fun!

10) I think that as a community our biggest fall is from too many liquid calories. I try and get around it by making my calorie allowance cover my drinks as well as my food.

I think the biggest tip of all is the title of this post, though. You need to really want it. It'll be hard but that's what makes it most rewarding in the end. I hope some of this has helped you :)

Today's Thinspo

Waist Day! (This is like Wednesday - but not) A good waist is essential to a perfect figure. Half-moon postures, people!

Today's Quote

"Hate to break it to you but it's out of my control. Forces go to work while we are sleeping. If I could attack with a more sensible approach, obviously that's what I'd be doing, right?...If you had to live with this you'd rather lie than fall. You think I can't fly, well, you just watch me!" - Gravity, The Dresden Dolls.

Today's 5 Song Playlist

1) Where'd You Go by Fort Minor

2) Knowing Me, Knowing You by Abba

3) Hot Hot Heat - In Cairo

4) Sincerely Hope It's You - Edith Backlund

5) Evelyn Evelyn - Evelyn Evelyn

I hope you're all well :)

Love,

Analise.

The Bagel of Irony

Hey guys,

My two fasts for the week are up and I now have a week of 300 calories a day. It's really weird but when I can eat my body is all like "I hate this" to the point where I find it difficult to swallow and food makes me feel ill, but when I'm fasting, all I think about is food. O.o

I woke up this morning with the usual "oh yay, I can eat now but I kind of don't want to" feeling I get when I've been fasting, despite the fact that 10 hours before I would've killed my own sister for a bagel (well, the one I like the least, anyway). Half an hour later, I'm so hungry I could eat my sister AND a bagel. I go to the kitchen and guess what? We have NO food. If I hadn't been so irritated I would've laughed.

I pace up and down the kitchen for about an hour, panicking about what to have because pretty much the only food we have left is cheese, bread and chocolate spread. Luckily, my godparents came home and decided we should go food shopping.

The golden rule of shopping is this: never go grocery shopping hungry. Aisles and ailes of food. Nothing but food. Tasty tasty food. Fruit and vegetables and cheese and lasagne and bagels and pain au chocolat and puddings and cake and...*drools* Anyway, despite not having food for 42 hours by this point, I miraculously manage to restrain myself. I get food that can be frozen, some bagels, some low fat cheese slices (these never go off because they're so processed there's nothing in them to go bad), some angel delight and some oranges.

The part of this story I wanted to share with you guys is this: I was walking through the supermarket, carrying my bagels to our shopping trolley and I walked past this girl, she must've been about 12 or 13, who looked longingly at my bagels and then slightly lifted up her shirt to have a look at her tummy. She then went to get some low fat granary bread. I thought "that's weird" so I took a sneaky look at her cart when I went back to get jam and even though she was with her parents it was mostly fruit, water and diet Coke. Make of that what you will.

After all that, I give you the results of my fast:

Height: 5ft 4in

Weight: 150lbs (-2lbs)

Hips: 38.39in (-1.17in)

Waist: 29.33in (-0.20in)

Left Thigh: 22.64in (-0.49in)

Right Thigh: 22.24in (-0.40in)

I cannot tell you how happy I am about reaching 150. I have officially lost 14lbs (1 stone) in 5 weeks!

8lbs to go and I'll be the weight I was before I went to uni last September. 10lbs and I'll have reached my first goal. I've joined a weight loss competition on Ana Friends: 28lbs in 12 weeks. So I guess I now have 26lbs to go on that front.

After we got back from grocery shopping, I had the bagel that I had been craving so desperately for about 4 days. Now my stomach hurts like hell. Irony is clearly the best kind of humour. On that note, here is my meal plan for today:

Breakfast (This is more like lunch as I had it at 3pm)

Cinnamon and Raisin Bagel - 115cals

2 low fat processed cheese slices - 74cals

Herbal Tea - 2cals

Hot lemon water - 1cal

Total: 292cals

Dinner (because lunch at this point is, well, pointless)

1 Quorn goujon - 57cals

1 Live Well wrap (Tesco) - 165 cals

1 tsp sour cream - 27cals

1/2 oz (12.5g) cheese - 45.5cals

Handful of sweetcorn - 12cals

1/2oz (12.5g) tomato purée - 21.5cals

Total 328cals

Snack

Half a Daim bite: 2cals

Grand Total: 622

I can never seem to get up to 800 without binging, no matter how hard I try O.o I might use the extra 178cals for a hot chocolate before bed. I haven't had one in so long. I'll post a 300 calorie day next time so you have the full repertoire and I might post a few recipes up at some point.

Tomorrow, I'm making Victoria Sponge cake that I'm not eating. The fun never ends :3

Today's thinspo:

I've been on such a Firefly binge lately. I'm re-watching the whole series while I do step-aerobics and then watching Serenity. So I give you Sean Maher (the most beautiful man alive) and Summer Glau (the most gorgeous woman alive). Enjoy!

Today's quote:

"I can show you how to do-si-do. I can show you how to scratch a record. I can take apart the remote control and I can almost put it back together." - Handlebars by Flobots

I put this up because I think we should take a day where we focus on the things we can do rather than the things we can't :) For example, I can fit my whole fist in my mouth. What can you do?

Five Song Playlist for Today

1) Oltremare by Ludovico Einaudi

2) All Is Full of Love by Bjork

3) This Ain't A Love Song by Scouting for Girls

4) Heart-Shaped Glasses by Marilyn Manson

5) Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year by Fall Out Boy

Enjoy them. The Ludovico Einaudi track is 11 minutes long but it's so beautiful it's worth it.

Have a great morning, day and night, lovelies!

Sorry this one's been so long.

Analise.

Incontinent: No Man Is An Island

I'm trying this new thing where I stop beginning every sentence with some sort of introductory word like "Okay" or "Well" because I noticed I do that a lot and it irritates me.

First of all (I count this as a phrase and not a word so it's okay), fast results:

Height: 5ft 4in

Weight: 152lbs

Hips: 39.57in (+0.20in)

Waist: 29.53in (-1.16in)

Left Thigh: 23.03in (-0.40in)

Right Thigh: 22.64 (-0.59in)

Still making progress on my waist, which is fantastic! :)

I have another 40 hour fast, beginning tomorrow, so I'll post some more results afterwards.

I don't generally write my meal plans down unless I need to work out the math but I wrote down every individual food I was planning to eat today and its calorie content, especially for you guys. My fast ended at 12:30pm today (standard GMT) and it's important for me to get a full 800 cals for today before my next fast, to stop my body going into starvation mode. You all probably know this but I just thought I'd clarify.

I don't eat the same thing every day so I'll probably post a few more of these so you can see the stuff I'm eating day-to-day.

I'm a vegetarian, so I eat a lot of meat substitutes. I'm vegetarian for moral and practical reasons (I believe in the sanctity of life and I'm incapable of cooking raw meat and then eating it), but meat substitutes have a lot less calories and fat in than real meat so they're good to eat if you're trying to lose weight but can't face giving up chicken nuggets! ^_^ Anyway, here's my meal plan for today:

Breakfast:

1oz (25g) cheerios - 90 cals

85ml semi-skimmed milk - 42.5 cals

Hot lemon water - 1 cal

Breakfast total: 133.5 cals

Lunch:

2x Jacob's cream crackers (light) - 72 cals

4g marmite - 10 cals

1/2 digestive biscuit - 35 cals

Iced water: 0 cals

Total: 117.5

Dinner:

5 and 1/2 oz (125.6g) mashed potato with 50ml milk - 94.5 cals

1/2 Linda McCartney Farmhouse Pie - 206 cals

50ml beef flavoured Bisto gravy - 15cals

1 mini corn on the cob -105 cals

Total: 419.5

Evening:

Hot lemon water - 1 cal

Grand Total: 671.5 calories.

I have 128.5 calories spare. Normally, I'd have 110 left over, because I make my mashed potato with 5g of Flora light, but we don't have any today so I'm just using milk. I'd usually use the leftover calories on herbal tea or some more hot lemon water if I get the hankering for something sweet during the day. I also snack on cucumber if I get so hungry I can't bear it. It's a negative calorie food and it's only 10 calories per 100g anyway. Believe me, I tried to measure out 100g of cucumber once and it was far more than I could ever eat in a day so it really is a great snack!

I joined a site called Ana Friends today and it seems to be a good place for people like us to interact. It appears to be a mix of pro and anti-recovery people, which I don't think is a bad thing. If you feel like joining along with me, my username is Aine33.

Thinspo Pic:

I'm hating how my stomach is all potbellish (that is now a word) right now so I've posted this beauty here today. Oh, one day, my stomach will be that flat.

Quote for today

"All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Nietzsche is my favourite philosopher and this is a brilliant quote of his. Expect more :3
Anyway, you heard the man, go for a walk, conceive some awesome thoughts, burn some calories and then come home and tell me all about it!

My 5 Song Playlist for Today

1) Handlebars - Flobots

2) I Thought I Saw Your Face Today - She & Him

3) Y Control - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

4) Kill Your Television - Ned's Atomic Dustbin

5) Rainy Days and Mondays - The Carpenters

I know The Carpenters are kind of an Ana cliché but I've always loved them so I make no apologies. Also, I'm very happy to hear from fellow Dresden Dolls/Amanda Palmer fans!

Time to go and make dinner!

Love and Light,

Analise.

Well, the past week has been okay. Ups and downs. You know how it is. My fourth poem is being published in the next couple of weeks which means I might actually be getting closer to being able to make a living from my writing. I'm trying to get a collection of 50 together for editing and submitting to an agent.

I want to say this: I love you guys. I mean that. I really really do. Because even though I've been here for like, two weeks, you keep me strong. Ana keeps me strong and you guys keep me strong and I can say, whole-heartedly, that I wouldn't be here without either of you. When I sign on here and find your blogs and your comments waiting for me, the smile just spreads across my face.

Having read all of your blogs from the past 4 days or so I noticed something really weird: all of us girls seem to be due our monthly gift around the same time! Internet synchronization? Is that possible? Haha.

I don't have much to report weight-wise. I've been going over my limit every other day and haven't been able to exercise much but I'm at the beginning of my first 40 hour fast so I'll post results when I'm done fasting :) I'm getting to the point where I'm going to refuse to eat or sleep until I get past the 150 mark and then I will NEVER see it again.

Today's thinspo pic: This is Stevie. She is my ex-boyfriend's best friend. She is about 5"8 and 130lbs. What can I say about Stevie? She does not like me, she thinks I hate her, she is a ridiculously talented poet and she's shallow, fickle, compassionate, generous, sometimes selfish, immature...but whichever way you cut it, to me, she is the most beautiful girl in the world.

Today's quote: "And you might says it's self-indulgent, you might say it's self-destructive but it's more productive than if I were to be happy...and you might say it's self-destructive but, you see, I'd kick the bucket sixty times before I'd kick the habit...I cherish the revolting thought that even if I quit, there's not a chance in hell I'd stop and anyone can see the signs...thank you for your pity, you are too kind. And you might say it's self-destructive, but you see, that's contradictive: why on earth would anyone practice self-destruction?" - Bad Habit by The Dresden Dolls.

My 5 Song Playlist for Today:

1) Oasis by Amanda Palmer

2) The Cave by Mumford and Sons

3) Lady by Regina Spektor

4) Jesus Christ by Brand New

5) Millstone by Brand New

(this is new and it won't always been ana-inspired because music is not always about driving you to achieve your goals - it's about love. )

I'd also like you guys to post comments, send messages, communicate telepathically, hunt me down and tell me what you'd like to see more of in this blog. Name it and I will attempt to include it :)

"You're difficult. Moody, cynical, bitter, fat, decadent, spoilt. You stay in bed all day then watch TV all night, you crash around this house with sleep in your eyes and not a thought for anyone. You're in pain. I adore you."

Phaedra's Love by Sarah Kane

- Be happy, darlings. I'm here for you, come what may.

Analise

UPDATE:

Okay, so, I bit the bullet and did my measurements before I started the fast and decided to post them so you guys can see the full effect of the fasts I'm doing this week:

Height: 5ft 4in

Weight: 152lbs

Hips: 39.37in (-0.39in)

Waist: 31.69 (+0.38in)

Left Thigh: 23.43 (+0.69in)

Right Thigh: 23.23 (+0.87in)

I am pissed about the expansion around my waist and thighs but it balances out because I'm over the moon that I still managed to stay at 152lbs despite Tuesday's binge of fajitas and chocolate cake (thank you, metabolism, I love you!).

I'll be posting tomorrow when the first fast ends. I managed to burn 211 calories today and I'll burn some more tomorrow. I also plan on posting my meal plans, as requested. :)

Love, love, love!

Quick Update

Hey all,

This is just a quick one. Not my laptop so unfortunately, I can't give you the usual thinspo pics and quotes.

I was doing so well. 88 cals - all liquid, managed to do an hour work-out burning about 200 cals before my boyfriend wanted the TV. Then my ex-boyfriend's mother gets home and makes fajitas. 159 cals PER WRAP (filling not included). And she made me eat TWO. FUCK FUCK FUCK. so today's consumption lies at around 1000. I refused dessert though. I physically wouldn't have been able to eat it I felt so full. Ugh.

The only good thing is that I weighed myself again today: 152lbs. Another 2lbs down. 12lbs to go until my first goal.

I'm getting up early tomorrow and working out before my boyfriend wakes up so I can burn off anything I get made to eat in advance.

I'd also like to say thank you to everyone who's commented so far. You've really cheered me up, dears. :)

Love to you all,

Analise.

Baby Steps

I am exhausted, my legs fucking kill. I've burnt off more than 400 cals, three days in a row. I feel so proud of myself. I just need to keep it up. I've discovered I can do the Free Step on the Wii Fit while I watch TV so literally all I've done for three days is do step aerobics and watch CSI on Living and Channel Five. For some reason, I either keep missing [insert country]'s Next Top Model or it's not on, which annoys me a bit because some thinspiration while I work out would be nice.

I also haven't been sleeping well because no matter how tired I am, as soon as I get into bed, I am wide awake and when I do eventually fall asleep (usually around 4am at the moment), I have nightmares or my cat wakes me up wanting to play. I am pretty damn tired.

So yesterday, something crazy happened. Well, for me, it's not that crazy but by everyone else's standards it was pretty weird. My grandma phoned and lectured me about being introverted for a bit and made me cry. Ever since she found out about my suicide attempts (3 in the last year), she always makes me cry every time I talk to her.

Despite the fact that I'd burnt off more than I'd eaten yesterday (consumed: 263 burnt: 426), I felt pretty crap by the time we got off the phone. More crying, thoughts about ending it all. Again. My dad phoned and was like "your grandma is old and therefore understands nothing" which made me feel a little better. I still felt pretty down though. Anyway, around midnight, I gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs to watch TV.

I binged. I consumed about 800 calories in one go. Cereal, 1 and half cheese sandwiches, tea and ice cream with chocolate sauce. The strangest thing was, I wasn't even hungry. My body was like "no, we're full, thank you" and my brain was all "CHEESE!" It felt like I wasn't in control of my body and it was horrible. I felt so pissed off and ashamed and most of all, full. Like I was going to burst.

I hadn't had cheese for four days >.> So I purged. I haven't purged since 2004 and I remembered why. At least the ice cream tasted pretty much the same coming up as it did going down but the bread was fucking awful. It's so much easier not to eat. I reckon I chucked up about 400 cals. I must've burnt off the rest today. I'm fasting today as penance for last night.

Anyway, here are my stats as of today:

Height: 5ft 4in

Weight: 154lbs (-1lb)

Hips: 39.76in (-0.40in)

Waist: 30.31in (-1.38in)

Left Thigh: 22.74in (-0.29in)

Right Thigh: 22.34in (-0.70in)

1lb gone. Slow progress but I'll get there. I know I will. The fact I've lost more inches off everything makes me really proud. It means that my hard-work is beginning to pay off. I always lose more inches off my right thigh than my left so I'm thinking that I'm leading with my right leg too much. I'll lead with my left in step aerobics tomorrow to make up for it.

Today's thinspo pic is brought to you by Google. Check out those thighs, my beauties!

Quote of today:

"Of course it's hard. If it was easy everybody would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." - taken from (http://ana-beauty.webs.com/quotes.htm)

I thought I'd choose that one because everyone seems to be having a bit of a hard time of it lately. Remember - the fact we can do it makes us special. We're stronger than everyone else. Think of someone heavier than you. Think of how much they weigh. Every pound heavier than you they are is a reason why they are weaker than you and every pound you lose will make a little bit stronger.

I'm going to go and take a long relaxing bath as a reward for my workouts and to keep me out of the kitchen :)

Love to you all,

Analise.

UPDATE

I'm going to my ex-boyfriend's for a couple of days and I can't blog from there, so I'll post another blog when I get back. Hopefully, I can keep up the weight loss and exercise.

Last Week Sucked

Well, I've been reading other pro-ana blogs since my last post to get more of an idea of what I should be posting here etc. A lot of them are really impressive. A-rexi-saurus really made me laugh and and The Diary of AfricAnaMia has loads of really great tips and thinspiration music so go have a look. I've posted the links in the Pro-Ana list at the bottom of the page :)

Okay, so last week to now just sucked. I ate too many calories (Dominos - you will be the death of me >.>) and didn't exercise enough. Result? No weight loss. No weight gain either, which I suppose is something but still.

I've decided that the problem is partially my ex-boyfriend's house. Whenever I go there, his mom makes me food and when I say "no thank you, I'm not hungry" she makes it anyway and so I'm left with this plate of food that I don't really want to eat but she's looking at me, expecting me to eat it. I've decided to avoid his house like the plague for the next week or so. Ideas on how to get around this, people?

So without further ado, here are my stats, as of today:

HW: 164lbs

CW: 155lbs

LW: 135lbs

GW1: 140lbs

GW2: 125lbs

GW3: 110lbs

Hips: 40.16in (-0.39in)

Waist: 31.69in (-5.33in)

Right thigh: 23.03in (0.79in)

Left thigh: 23.03in (-0.99in)

Losing inches from my waist makes me jump-up-and-down happy! I miss my 28in waist.

My period is due any day now so I feel a bit bloaty, which probably contributes to the lack of weight loss but I'm determined to soldier on. I did really well today. No food for 25.5 hours now and I don't feel hungry. I burnt off 420 calories today. Let's hope I can do the same tomorrow.

I've found a great alternative to caffeine which means I'm off tea and coffee entirely now. I don't like to drink either that much because caffeine reduces circulation, which can make your skin lumpy and I don't need to have hideous skin as well as be fat. So yeah, I've started sucking on barley sugar candy when I need a pick-me-up. It's really good for exhaustion and it's only 21 calories, less than sweet tea and coffee.

The only catch is that I can't have them when I'm fasting, which is when I need them most, but on the other hand, I only drink water when I fast so that rules out tea and coffee anyway.

Anyway, I'll update my stats on Wednesday, I think, when I've finished this fast. I'm hoping to get below 150lbs by the end of the week but with my period due, I'm not that optimistic.

Enjoy today's thinspo pic. Love Keira Knightley but I think I'll find a better shot of her collarbones next time - they're beautiful :)

Today's thinspiration quote: "'Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself.'

That gets at a lot of our issues. I love French fries, and I also know if I ate French fries every day it would not be a good thing. One of our problems is that foods that are labor or money intensive have gotten very cheap and easy to procure. French fries are a great example. They are a tremendous pain to make. Wash the potatoes, fry potatoes, get rid of the oil, clean up the mess. If you made them yourself you’d have them about once a month, and that’s probably about right. The fact that labor has been removed from special occasion food has made us treat it as everyday food. One way to curb that and still enjoy those foods is to make them. Try to make your own Twinkie. I don’t even know if you can. I imagine it would be pretty difficult. How do you get the cream in there? - Michael Pollan"

Taken from Vodka Has No Carb's blog (thank you!), who got it from (http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/08/michael-pollan-offers-64-ways-to-eat-food/?hpw)

Side note: I'm glad they don't make Twinkies in the U.K. - I'd spend 90% of my life trying not to eat them!

Also, I think I might be cracking a bit. I was just eating the ice cubes from my iced water and one of them tasted like ice cream, the next one tasted like coffee O.o

Catch you on Wednesday!

Love, love, love.

Analise

This Will Be The Start of A Beautiful Friendship

I hope.

I've always said that if you say you're going to do something, you should tell someone else because then you have to do it. This is the principle I'm applying here. I've been anorexic for 6 years and I genuinely suck at it. My problem is that I'll go for weeks without eating a whole lot and then I'll crack and binge, but I'm determined to soldier on and I'm hoping that this blog, along with whoever I meet because of it, will help me reach my goal.

This blog will be a recording of my weight loss, any tips and tricks I find, thinspo pictures (I'll post one of these per entry - enjoy today's, especially if you don't like chinese food) and an attempt at bringing the ana community together. I'll provide links to other blogs, websites, forums...that sort of thing.

My start weight is embarassing. Perhaps that's also my motivation. Shame. So here goes:

Start weight: 155lbs (god, that looks even worse written down).

Weight goal: 110lbs

Okay, so the plan is this: 1 week of eating 300 calories a day, two 40 hour fasts, rinse and repeat. I'm currently at 20hrs of my first 40hr fast this week.

I have my hot lemon water (metabolism booster), my thinspo book, my red bracelet and an optimistic smile on my face. Here goes!

Quote of the day:

"Thank God I have this ugly fat body for which to focus on and hate and spend all my time trying to fix, change, lessen. Thank God for exercise machines, and diet pills. Thank God for weightloss. Thank God I can try and fix the outside because I just know that the inside is beyond repair."

(http://www.freewebs.com/ittybittyme424/motivationalquotes.htm - thanks for this.)

Think thin thoughts!

45lbs to go.

Love to you all,

Analise.