If I Wanted To Be Popular, I'd Blog on Myspace

This entry is going to be slightly more serious than my last ones. Sorry, guys. I do try to cater to your reading demands but just occasionally, I need to share my thoughts too.

I didn't reach my goal of 11lbs in one week. The reason? My hair has started falling out. My heart is seriously struggling to pump blood around my body. I get kept awake at night by its irregular pounding and the pains. I am cold all of the time. I am exhausted all of the time. In July, I could do 120 hour fasts without batting an eyelid. Last week, I got to 80 hours and I couldn't walk up the stairs without needing a rest.

So I ate.

Of course, these are the risks we take. Our diet is what is termed as "extreme" or "starvation" - to us, it's just...well, it's just how we roll. But in my opinion, at least, there is a line. The line between "extreme" diet and full blown eating disorder. A line that I am getting dangerously close to.

I cannot stop weighing or measuring myself. I'm lying about what I've eaten and when. I am becoming terrified of food. I am seriously considering buying laxatives so that I at least have some sort of back up plan when I over-eat. The most worrying thing of all, is that a large part of me is not concerned about these things.

I know I chose this. When I came out of hospital in June after my second overdose I knew that if I didn't do something I would be back in again in a month or the next time, they'd just be wheeling me straight to the morgue. I don't want to die. I like living. I might be miserable and out of control and just plain messed up but at least I'm alive to have the hope that things could get better. That's what this is for me. It's hope. This gives me stability, control and the hope that if things aren't better when I'm thin, at least they'll be easier.

I knew the risks when I chose it. I knew that I could die, but in my mind, it was a choice between dying sooner or later. I knew that eventually, this would happen. Eventually, this was going to stop being fun (it still is in a lot of ways [and by that I mean you guys], but not in a lot of others). I knew I probably wouldn't be able to stop. That I'd just be fighting a different enemy. I accepted that and passed up the right to cake. But truth be told, I thought I'd have more time than this.

That said, my collarbones are trying to peek through and I can see ends of my femur where it joins up with my knee. I'm not giving up now.

Slightly Happier Things

No fasts this week. I am going to live off salad and 5 cal jelly for the next week (usual 300 cals a day type of thing, not including the milk and pro-biotic yoghurt I have to take with my meds) and we'll see how I feel next Monday.

One thing I've noticed about us is that we don't give ourselves a lot of credit for our achievements so, I've decided to write a list of rewards next to my goals. If you decide you want to do the same, post them at the bottom, I'd be interested to read them :)

Today's Thinspo

I think Halle Berry is gorgeous. Enjoy ^_^

Today's Quote

"Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Today's Playlist

1) Love Your Ways - Salmonella Dub (Love this. Thank you, Peri!)

2) All Is Love - Karen O and the kids

3) La Vie En Rose - Edith Piaf

4) Here We Go Again - Paramore

5) Out of Control - Rufio (btw, if you haven't seen Hook. DO IT)

I love you all, so much.

Analise.