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I spent 12 hours in hospital yesterday because I overdosed. Again. Even I'm getting sick of me doing this. I don't even want to die, I just can't stop myself. The minute I'm within a foot of a bunch of pills, I just want to pop them. I feel exhausted. I've pulled all my stomach muscles from throwing up, I can't stop shaking, my heart won't stop pounding. By the time I got home, I'd gone 40 hours without food. Fasting was incredibly easy because I just felt too sick to eat. I had to see the on-call psychiatrist who wasn't even that helpful. I'm very tired.
The strange thing is that I feel empty. Physically empty, even when I eat. Not hungry. Just...empty. It's bizarre.
This week has been fairly awful, to be honest. My Wii Fit is non-operational so I've resorted to walking up and down the stairs or going for long walks by the canal for exercise. Because of that, I only have my crappy inaccurate scales to weigh myself so I have NO idea how much I weigh which is bugging the hell out of me.
Between psychiatrists, hospital and non-functional exercise equipment, I'm feeling pretty down.
I hope you're all doing much better than I am, dears.
Today's Thinspo
I love this one. I hope you do too :)
Today's Quote
It's a little bit different today. Have a poem. One of mine:
Peach Pie Thighs
I am afraid of my own body
and my subconscious doesn’t like me.
She writes poetry better than anything
I’ve ever heard and
taunts me with it,
with stages,
with audiences with ticker-tape eyes.
When I wake I only save a sliver,
a word or a line,
that I hate because
they never feel like mine
The truth is:
I want to write poetry
with adjectives that don’t fit.
I want to stop feeling like shit,
just for a minute,
stop coming up with mediocre rhymes
and have the time
to live my life
rather than just survive
and write mediocre dream-poetry
about it.
Today's 5 Song Playlist
1) 19-2000 by Gorillaz
2) Plastic Man by Seether
3) You're Lovely To Me by Lucky Jim
4) Accidentally In Love by Counting Crows
5) The Grapes Song by Demetri Martin
Love
Love
Love.
i have a pill problem too. i'm glad to hear you're okay now, in the sense that you are not dead.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, I hope you are alright. You just commented on my blog a few days ago, and the thought that maybe you wouldn't be here anymore makes me so very sad.
ReplyDeleteIt is almost Sunday: a new week. May this coming week be a million times better for you!
I hope you're okay =(
ReplyDeleteLife might be shitty and awful right now but you will make it through to better things. I love the list you have as your profile info of all those things, I love giraffes too. I remember in primary school boys used to tease me by calling me a giraffe because I was so tall, but that is hardly an insult because giraffes are beautiful in an endearing, awkward kind of way.
Anway, all those things in that list make life beautiful sometimes. Let's hope it will be worth it.
I loved the poem you wrote. It isn't perfect, but who is interested in perfect poetry? Some of those phrases are magical. I love the title.
oh no my darling!
ReplyDeleteplease be careful with the pills!
i know you are strong enough to resist the urge. it will just take focus & a strong motivation to avoid episodes like this again. Think about all the amazing things you want to do in your life, make a bucket list and maybe set goal weights beside each one? That will help motivate you with the weight loss & with goals/experiences in life too! i have one of these lists posted in my room, i'll copy it in my next post so you can have an idea :) xoxo
:o holy shit. I really hope things start to get better for you and it pisses me off unbelievably that i cant be there to help you and to be there for you. The hospital dont understand, wtf how is a psychiatrist going to help? for me , it just makes me want to go against everything they want me to do even more.
ReplyDeleteplease please just dont give up...
Im here always
ox
Aw babe. I'm glad you're still here! I would have missed your posts, lovely. <3
ReplyDelete*HUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS*
ReplyDeleteStay the fuck away from pills/knives/deadly spiders. I love you too much to have to bring you back from the dead so I can head-butt you to death! <3
LOVELOVELOVELOVE I wanna hug you!
This makes me so sad I don't know what to say.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't allowed to make me feel this way, its not nice.
Seriously though, you are one of my favourites. I love ya and I worry about ya. <3 Feel better.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/76562/always_look_on_the_bright_side_of_life/
ReplyDelete♥